On one of my routine evenings, where I come home tired, straight to my room, hit the music and begin to slowly unwind, I looked back at my day and I was struck by a recurring thought that usually would seem normal to any other person but for me seemed so heavy with its importance. Whose am I? And if I do get an answer to that question am I 100% theirs?

Although I chuckled at the thought, deep down I kept asking myself the question over and over again, trying to find the answer in the question or in the style of asking. Trying to hear the answer before I can ask the question again. Trying to get the answer from, well, even I don’t know where. I can’t really call it a fear of commitment, definitely not fear of anything because it is the most exhilarating relationship I have had thus far.

Not to say that it has been easy, no it hasn’t. I have come from the paths of doubting his very existence, to shakily walking down the aisle to accept him, to having the normal ups and downs a relationship experiences, the only difference being me causing the ruckus every single time!

Amazingly, he remains the same, loving me like he did the first time, guiding me, picking me up when I fell, gently dusting me off, counseling me, drying my tears, comforting me when I thought I was alone, lifting me, holding me closer still and reprimanding me too. Yes that’s the lover of my heart, mind, body, and soul.

But have you ever noticed how the voices in your head don’t whisper something to you, they scream it at you? They shout at the top of their voices and the shout is even louder the more delicate a situation is. The voice in my head now is loudly querying me on whose I am and if I deserve to be his! Why I think I am his. Whether I am 100% his? Funny! The audacity of these thoughts!

It feels like I have literally been on the run; in my head. Searching and looking for answers that are set way deep in my heart. A place only he can deposit such deep understanding in something that I can neither see nor comprehend with my own heart and mind. Yes that’s the lover of my soul. I don’t need to question His love, or my belonging, or me, my needs; with Him I am simply a girl.

I do not need to justify why I love Him, He loved me first even before I knew how to love myself. He clearly defined how far the East is from the West when he allowed his two hands to be nailed down on the cross for me, for you, for us. He clearly defined ‘I would die for you my love’ when HE actually died for me and you too. He rejoices over you with gladness. You are His Heart beat. In fact, just as Zephaniah 3:17 says; The Lord your God in your midst, The mighty one will save, He will rejoice over you with gladness, He will quiet you with His Love, He will rejoice over you with singing.

You do not need answers and understanding to all of life’s questions. You are His heartbeat, or should be His heartbeat. We should be so in touch with our father in heaven that when you go on your knees in prayer, you are simply echoing His Heart and He is nodding and affirming it. However, since we may not always be in check, let us go the extra mile and be sensitive enough to realize when we go offline, to quickly hasten to get back under His cover. Those questions truly have no place in us. They are fully paid for. Fully! Nothing like credit cards or monthly payments - HE FINISHED IT! When these questions come up thwart them of like you would a stray fly, because their place is not in you.

Let every morning break for you! Allow him to be your morning every single moment of your life. Remember, as T.D. Jakes puts it, morning is not when night ends; morning is when you WAKE UP!!

About The Author Carol Wambui, the newest addition to Mwafrika.com's feature writers, describes herself as a 'free spirit in an introverted personality' and a 'work in progress'. She enjoys observing (life) and could laugh all day!

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