You only need to cross their path while eating something, anything, and instantly you’ll feel their stalking presence. One look behind at the trailing monkeys and you are bound to feel hounded, beleaguered almost. They look at you with pleading eyes, some even carrying their babies along to wrench out any dregs of pity, arm-twisting you into parting with what you are eating.

These mannerisms, just like in humans, were probably born out of instinct. I have since discovered that monkeys have the uncanny ability of raising a generation of begging monkeys - these apes are masters of the art of soliciting for freebies. Here’s where the monkeys and people meet character-wise. We too like free things, handouts. Free shoes, clothes and money. And the one we beg for the most? Free advice! People are always begging for other people’s opinion on matters that affect them: ‘What do you think about my boy/girlfriend, my weight, my clothes…’

Advice comes free of charge – it is found everywhere; on billboards, in newspapers, on television, radio, you name it. Personally I give as much as I get. Recently, I stumbled upon the most unusual advice on the internet. I feel like sharing.

I came across free advice to help out single and lonely Christian males. Title? Christian pick-up lines! If you are having trouble getting around the ladies in terms of breaking the ice, here’s a whole list of purportedly useful ‘ice-breakers’ Sample a few.

YOUR BIBLE LOOKS HEAVY; CAN I CARRY IT FOR YOU?
A guy who uses this line is a loser. If I was female and someone pulled it on me, I would weep and ask myself one question: WHY? Firstly, any man who notices women’s Bibles probably only does so because he probably doesn’t own one. To be fair, he is a porter extraordinaire, specializing in carrying other people’s Bibles on Sundays. So what does he do the rest of the week when he’s not carrying other people’s (ladies) Bibles? Probably counting down to Sunday so he can carry some other girl’s Bible… “No sir, your heart seems heavy with wasted energy, please carry yourself some place and volunteer your energy.”

I MUST BE ADAM COZ I’VE FOUND MY MISSING RIB…
This is a man with a severe case of wishful orientation and a huge deficiency of creativity; ‘Adam with a missing rib’ was probably involved in a ghastly road accident, and I find it somewhat bizarre that he only lost one rib; which he set out on a quest to find. Bingo! He discovers that you are the missing bone. ‘Adam with a missing rib’ might also be a man who frequents the butchery; so the last time he bought ‘mbavu’ ( ribs) he discovered that one rib had been pinched and now he’s standing here in front of you in bewilderment. Mistaking you for a shaft of bone…When you are mistaken for a missing bone- a slender rib no less - the insinuation would be that you are getting too skinny for comfort; don’t be flattered by the flirting. Right, you may say a guy is just digging into the Bible for Adam of old. Guess what, if you accept to be the rib, the next thing that you will get accused of will be conspiring with the devil to eat the forbidden fruit. That story doesn’t end well…

WILL YOU BE MY PRAYER/ ACCOUNTABILITY PARTNER?
Hell (oops! Heavens) no! What business have we accounting and counting things together? Prayer partnerships with people who specialize in self centered prayers are not encouraging enterprises. Pray in your own closet and let me pray in mine….

I HAD A (DIVINE) VISION - YOU ARE THE GIRL FOR ME
If God has a way of confirming things, how come I never had the same dream? If indeed it is true, then naturally the dream should be copy-pasted into dreams of the concerned parties. This is not only the most cowardly approach, it is also the most demeaning to the dignity of men folk. However I shall not dispute the fact that visions at times genuinely come from the maker; so these instances are the only exceptions.

Other tired pick-up lines suggested include:

Did it hurt when you fell from heaven? (Yes it did, is it any business of yours?)
Did you believe in love at first sight or should I pass by again?
Are you tired? (Tired of what?) Coz you’ve been running through my mind all day…

Whatever happened to the times and seasons when men were spontaneous and didn’t go the ‘pick-up’ way? These lines only work well in the movies. I’m not female but I’m sure that if I was, I would give those pick-up lines a good laugh. I respect men who just come out with it, “Nice hair, nice skirt, nice dress, nice legs…” Men who were daring enough to say what they want to say without getting intimidated. Good old days! 

About The Author: Isaac Sagala is a humorist who embarked on a journey to look for himself and lost his path along the way, he is still trying to find his way from the maze. He likes watching people and birds for fun.'

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